Change the Record
In our life we accumulate a collection of various records that get played back in our mind's record player during various emotional states. Most of these records are positive in nature, a few will be detrimental; all will be perception based. The authors of these records are rarely ourselves; they are often parents, schoolmates, teachers, media, or society. These records you hear in your head are not the true you.
Those of us who have experienced abusive situations have the negative selection in abundance in comparison to a typical person. They will tend to play in our heads during the best times in our lives. They are in our voice but the words of our parents, relatives, teachers, lovers, or society. We will tend to allow them to play for hours on repeat without taking it off the player and changing the tune to a more upbeat song. Let me give some personal examples for a minute.
I have a few of these records that will say such things like:
- "You do not deserve love because you are fat."
- "You do not deserve to eat because you are fat."
(both of those will cause me to starve myself for months and can be triggered by hearing people say the words "deserve" or "you're fat")
- "You will never make it as an artist, just give up." (this one has a special note further below)
- "All men cheat, he will leave you. You are not worth a good man or a family."
- "Just die, you're not worth anything anyways. People are better off without you."
- "You deserve to be beaten, if men didn't beat you then you would be self-harming because you deserve to be punished. They are doing you a favor." (for every time I make a man mad and he hits me. Conditioning from when/where I grew up.).
I will be sitting with my wonderful boyfriend who is everything I have begged to the Universe that I have needed through my life and one of those records will spin. He wants to make me food, one of the "don't deserve to eat" ones will play then I become phobic to eat. He does something amazing the "you don't deserve a good man" one may hit. He gets mad about something, it may have nothing to do with me, and the "you deserve to be punished for him being mad, let him beat you" one may play.
Now what can be done with these? Well there is the basic idea that the Buddhist have that is "breaking the circle mind" which I learned about in martial arts. It is basically noticing you are thinking the same thought repeatedly (i.e. playing the record on repeat) then forcing yourself to think of something else to break the cycle. This is not really too effective when it comes to abuse victims, it takes a significant amount of mental discipline and is a part of a grander mental/emotional training program.
I have come up with four ways to deal with these records while trying to self-heal. I'm going to use what I know them as to help with their imagery, although you may recognize these from other modalities.
1. Change the Record: This is simply what it sounds like. You notice that you are playing that same old phrase in your mind that brings you down. Rip that off your player and put on one from your uplifting/empowering section of your collection so you can go about your day.
2. Change the Narrative: This is when you've had a bit of mental training under your belt. It is also a magickal act as it works with a force of Will to transmute yourself (a lot of aspects of psychology are able to be used as acts of magick if you understand how to use them). Here you take the detrimental words and change them into empowering words every time that record plays. It requires the conscious effort to know that you are doing it then start the mantra to re-program yourself until that record no longer exists within you (or is at least silenced). For instance, change "You do not deserve to be loved" to "I deserve to be loved."
3. Use it: This is reserved only for the record that sets loose a fire within you. If there is a record within that despite being words that would tear you down, actually pisses you off enough to fight to win -- by all means use that record as your personal theme song for when you need a push.
I mentioned one above that had special notation. I have some serious health issues that should have killed me. I was beaten within inches of my life, survived death attempts, tortured, now have a few chronic (and lethal) health issues that I keep living through without treatment; I've done it all because of vengeance. There was one conversation from my teenage years before I had any clue what I wanted to do with myself. I didn't even say anything about wanting to be an artist because I knew at the time my skills were not that good. My father told me that I would never make it and I should just give up to be a nurse (at the time I had phobias surrounding the body that took that option off the table -- although "just give up and be a nurse" is laughable, they are one of the corps of Earthen Angels). It pissed me off so much I went "fucking watch me you dick." I promptly got beaten, but it became my raison d'etre. He told me I was not going to do something I knew I could do. I took on the "screw you I'm going to prove you wrong" mentality. My art professor in college and both of my ex-husbands said the same thing, but "I'm going to prove you ALL wrong!" No matter how sick I am or how much something hurts, I tell death "not today," play that record where it says "You'll never make it as an artist. Watch me!" and force myself to get up.
4. Clean on It: When you are ready to fully let it go and put in the work to change the programming of your brain, Ho'oponopono offers a way to delete those programmed records. "I forgive myself" will be powerful here.
It all comes to Change That Record. Don't let it control and cripple you any longer. Take control of the music that plays in the soundtrack of your life and the internal dialog that will chatter away in your mind. This is one of the most powerful ways we have to heal ourselves from the subtle brainwashing style of control and often times abuse that society and family have inflicted upon us while we were growing up.
Those of us who have experienced abusive situations have the negative selection in abundance in comparison to a typical person. They will tend to play in our heads during the best times in our lives. They are in our voice but the words of our parents, relatives, teachers, lovers, or society. We will tend to allow them to play for hours on repeat without taking it off the player and changing the tune to a more upbeat song. Let me give some personal examples for a minute.
I have a few of these records that will say such things like:
- "You do not deserve love because you are fat."
- "You do not deserve to eat because you are fat."
(both of those will cause me to starve myself for months and can be triggered by hearing people say the words "deserve" or "you're fat")
- "You will never make it as an artist, just give up." (this one has a special note further below)
- "All men cheat, he will leave you. You are not worth a good man or a family."
- "Just die, you're not worth anything anyways. People are better off without you."
- "You deserve to be beaten, if men didn't beat you then you would be self-harming because you deserve to be punished. They are doing you a favor." (for every time I make a man mad and he hits me. Conditioning from when/where I grew up.).
I will be sitting with my wonderful boyfriend who is everything I have begged to the Universe that I have needed through my life and one of those records will spin. He wants to make me food, one of the "don't deserve to eat" ones will play then I become phobic to eat. He does something amazing the "you don't deserve a good man" one may hit. He gets mad about something, it may have nothing to do with me, and the "you deserve to be punished for him being mad, let him beat you" one may play.
Now what can be done with these? Well there is the basic idea that the Buddhist have that is "breaking the circle mind" which I learned about in martial arts. It is basically noticing you are thinking the same thought repeatedly (i.e. playing the record on repeat) then forcing yourself to think of something else to break the cycle. This is not really too effective when it comes to abuse victims, it takes a significant amount of mental discipline and is a part of a grander mental/emotional training program.
I have come up with four ways to deal with these records while trying to self-heal. I'm going to use what I know them as to help with their imagery, although you may recognize these from other modalities.
1. Change the Record: This is simply what it sounds like. You notice that you are playing that same old phrase in your mind that brings you down. Rip that off your player and put on one from your uplifting/empowering section of your collection so you can go about your day.
2. Change the Narrative: This is when you've had a bit of mental training under your belt. It is also a magickal act as it works with a force of Will to transmute yourself (a lot of aspects of psychology are able to be used as acts of magick if you understand how to use them). Here you take the detrimental words and change them into empowering words every time that record plays. It requires the conscious effort to know that you are doing it then start the mantra to re-program yourself until that record no longer exists within you (or is at least silenced). For instance, change "You do not deserve to be loved" to "I deserve to be loved."
3. Use it: This is reserved only for the record that sets loose a fire within you. If there is a record within that despite being words that would tear you down, actually pisses you off enough to fight to win -- by all means use that record as your personal theme song for when you need a push.
I mentioned one above that had special notation. I have some serious health issues that should have killed me. I was beaten within inches of my life, survived death attempts, tortured, now have a few chronic (and lethal) health issues that I keep living through without treatment; I've done it all because of vengeance. There was one conversation from my teenage years before I had any clue what I wanted to do with myself. I didn't even say anything about wanting to be an artist because I knew at the time my skills were not that good. My father told me that I would never make it and I should just give up to be a nurse (at the time I had phobias surrounding the body that took that option off the table -- although "just give up and be a nurse" is laughable, they are one of the corps of Earthen Angels). It pissed me off so much I went "fucking watch me you dick." I promptly got beaten, but it became my raison d'etre. He told me I was not going to do something I knew I could do. I took on the "screw you I'm going to prove you wrong" mentality. My art professor in college and both of my ex-husbands said the same thing, but "I'm going to prove you ALL wrong!" No matter how sick I am or how much something hurts, I tell death "not today," play that record where it says "You'll never make it as an artist. Watch me!" and force myself to get up.
4. Clean on It: When you are ready to fully let it go and put in the work to change the programming of your brain, Ho'oponopono offers a way to delete those programmed records. "I forgive myself" will be powerful here.
It all comes to Change That Record. Don't let it control and cripple you any longer. Take control of the music that plays in the soundtrack of your life and the internal dialog that will chatter away in your mind. This is one of the most powerful ways we have to heal ourselves from the subtle brainwashing style of control and often times abuse that society and family have inflicted upon us while we were growing up.
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